Exciting Gift
If you love somebody and want to give the person the best present, give not only a gift but an exciting experience. A few days before Children's Day, parents begin to worry about the gifts for their children. Last weekend, I also suffered from the same worry. First, I just asked my daughter what she wants to get. She said that she wants to get the i-phone, and I said NO, because it is not really necessary for a ten-year-old girl. Instead, I suggested, "I will give you fifty thousand won, and you can gain more money from your rich grandma or your good hearted aunt. If you collect money enough, you can buy anything you want." Then she called her two grandmothers, one aunt, and one uncle, and negotiated the amount of money for Children's Day with the relatives by herself. Finally, she gained two hundred and thirty thousand won. Although she had to give up the i-phone, because it is more expensive than her money, my daughter became excited because of the freedom to spend a big amount of money. After that, our family visited Toygerous, a big toy mall, and my daughter enjoyed delaying her decision for two hours. When my wife and I were exhausted, my daughter decided to buy Lego : Harry Potter which has Hogwarts and many figure toys. In addition, she even paid for our meal, Naengmyeon voluntarily. She said, "What a wonderful day it is, I've never spent so much money in my life!" Present a memory of an exciting experience to the person you love, in order to the person never forget you and your true love.
Hello my name is NaYeon Kwon. I really liked your writing. I think the stroy was very interesting. However, I am curious whether you really have kid. If you don't, maybe it would be better to say "let's suppose~" because it makes the readers confused. Also, I think it could have been better if there were more specific steps, in that way, the connection between the sentneces would be better.
ReplyDeletePresent Excitement! (Second Draft)
ReplyDeleteIf you love somebody and want to give the person the best present, give not only a gift but an exciting experience. A few days before Children's Day, parents begin to worry about selecting the gifts for their children. Last weekend, I also suffered from the same worry. First, I just asked my daughter what she wants to get. She said that she wants to get the i-phone, and I said NO, because it is not really necessary for a ten-year-old girl. Instead, I suggested, "I will give you fifty thousand won, and you can gain more money from your rich grandma or your good hearted aunt. If you collect money enough, you can buy anything you want." Then she called her two grandmothers, one aunt, and one uncle, and negotiated the amount of money for Children's Day with the relatives for herself. In the end, she gained two hundred and thirty thousand won. Although she had to give up the i-phone, because it is more expensive than her money, my daughter became excited because of the freedom to spend a big amount of money. After that, our family visited Toygerous, a big toy mall, and my daughter enjoyed delaying her decision for two hours. When my wife and I were exhausted, my daughter decided to buy Lego of Harry Potter series which has Hogwarts and many figure toys. In addition, she even paid for our meal, Naengmyeon voluntarily. She said, “What a wonderful day it is, I’ve never spent so much money in my life!” Present a memory of an exciting experience to the person you love, in order to the person never forget you and your true love.