< Frightening Experience >
Da hyun yang
Last year I went to Busan with my friend, Ji-eun. We took a train at 7 in the morning, and arrived at about 10. At there, we met another friend who went to Busan university and we were very excited because we hadn't saw each other for a long time. So we went to a beach named Haeundae. We splashed in the water for a long time and then we ate many delicious foods like sashimi and boiled rice served in soup which are famous in Busan. After the sun went down, we decided to go to a bar with karaoke system. We found a famous bar at the main street and finally went there. We drank and sang frantically for about two hours. But then my friend Ji-eun wanted to go out and took a rest. I was sad that we had to cut it short, but she was pale and looked sick. So we went to a 24hour café and took some rest. Even though we went there to take some rest, but we talked for a long time until the sun rises. So Je-eun and I went to the train station to go back to Seoul. In the train, I was looking at the internet news with my smart phone. I was so shocked because there was an article that the bar which we were to play caught the fire. Article says there were six injured person and two were died. It was so shock that we hadn't talked anything until we arrived. After that affair, we did not go to a bar for a long time. It was just as well that we leaved the bar and sorry for the accident. Therefore, it was most memorable and frightening story that happened to me during the trip.
Hello Dahyun! I am Hakyung.
ReplyDeleteI like your piece of writing, but I can't say I like the content. I am really sorry for the victims, but also glad that you were safe!
I was attracted to your piece of writing because this incident is quite extraordinary. Also, you described well how you were gobsmacked.
However, I think that you didn't give the readers a clue about the incident except the title. It may be good, but I suggest giving some clue first.
Thank you !!!!!!!
2nd draft ;
ReplyDelete< Frightening Experience >
Da-hyun Yang
Last year I went to Busan with my friend, Ji-eun. We took a train at 7 in the morning, and arrived at about 10. At there, we met another friend who went to Busan university and we were very excited because we hadn't saw each other for a long time. So we went to a beach named Haeundae. We splashed in the water for a long time and then we ate many delicious foods like sashimi and boiled rice served in soup which is famous in Busan. After the sun went down, we decided to go to a bar with karaoke system. We found a famous bar at the main street and finally went there. We drank and sang frantically for about two hours. But then, my friend Ji-eun wanted to go out and take some rest before we leave to Seoul. I was sad that we had to cut it short, but she was pale and looked sick. So we went to a 24-hour café and took some rest. Even though we went there to take some rest, we talked for a long time until the sun rises. So Ji-eun and I went to the train station to go back to Seoul. In the train, I was looking at the internet news with my smart phone. I was so shocked because there was an article that the bar which we were to play caught the fire. Article says there were six injured person and two were died. We were so haunted that we hadn't talked anything until we arrived. After that affair, we did not go to a bar for a long time. It was just as well that we leaved the bar early, but sorry for the accident. This was so frightening story that happened to me during the trip that I will never forget this incident for a long time.