backstreet girl 201101950 Da-hyun Yang
It is very hard to define myself in few sentences, however, I will tell you about my aggressive, outgoing personality. I think this kind of personality is strongly influenced by my younger brother. I was his really kind sister when he was young. But as he grew older, he learned Tae gwon do and tried to practice his skills on me. Because I have a very high competitive spirit, I also tried not to lose. But always the winner was my mom. Whenever we fought frantically before we went to bed, soon my mom came to us and we had to stand in the corner holding up our hands. And also I was a leader of the kids in the neighborhood. After school, I always went to a playground with all of my friends to have a gunfight with a toy gun. My mom always worried about me because too often I had purple bruise on my arms and she wanted me to be a gentle and quiet girl. But thanks to this personality, I made many friends and became a president for six years straight when I was in the elementary school. Now my brother became my best friend, and sometimes he told me that he was proud of me because no one could harass him. I do not fight with friends or my brother anymore but I am still a very outgoing person. Now that I am 22 years old and in my second year of university, I decided to take this personality as a means to approach my future dream.
Hello, this is Park Tae Jun and I thought your writing is very interesting to read. I think your title “backstreet girl” is a very creative one. It fully explains what your writing is about-you have an aggressive yet outgoing personality. You have a clear topic sentence. Overall I can notice you have three examples that support your topic sentence-fighting with your brother, gunfight with friends and presidency for six years in a row in elementary school. Those examples are relevant with each other and well support your main topic. Your concluding sentence seems to wrap up your writing well, but I think it doesn’t restate your topic sentence. It would’ve been better if you can add something about your personality in the concluding sentence. Also, having purple bruise due to gunfight seems a little bit off of your topic. However overall I liked your writing and enjoyed reading it!:)
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Da-hyun Yang
It is very hard to define myself in few sentences, however, I will tell you about my aggressive, outgoing personality. I think this kind of personality is strongly influenced by my younger brother. I was his really kind sister when he was young. But as he grew older, he learned Tae gwon do and tried to practice his skills on me. Because I have a very high competitive spirit, I also tried not to lose. But always the winner was my mom. Whenever we fought frantically before we went to bed, soon my mom came to us and we had to stand in the corner holding up our hands. And also I was a leader of the kids in the neighborhood. After school, I always went to a playground with all of my friends to have a gunfight with a toy gun. And usually during the game, a petty argument grew into a childish physical fight with friends. My mom always worried about me because too often I had a small purple bruise on my arms due to the fight and she wanted me to be a gentle and quiet girl. But thanks to this outgoing personality, I made many friends and became a president for six years straight when I was in the elementary school. Currently, my brother became my best friend and sometimes he told me that he was proud of me because no one could harass him. I do not fight with friends or my brother anymore but I am still a very outgoing person. Now that I am 22 years old and in my second year of the university, I decided to take this outgoing personality as a means to approach my future dream as a interpreter. And of course it will be in a mature way, not like fighting with others.