Passion from ComPassion
201100652 YoungHoon Kim
When I think of the word that describes me the best, I come to realize that the vocabulary "compassion" fits me well. I'm not saying here that I'm such a nice person who feels sorry for poor people. Through various experiences and activities, I think I'm compassionate person. Among them, I'd like to tell you about 3 examples that show that I'm sympathetic. I went to Cambodia for sightseeing when I was middle school student. I was overwhelmed by huge and elaborate monuments there but it was not the scene that I can still remember by heart vividly. I was totally shocked when I saw dozens of children begging for money. Since I was grown up in the quite wealthy country, it was the first time to see that many little beggars. At that night, I couldn't fall asleep for a long time and firmly decided to help poor children whenever I can. I think it was kind of passion that came from compassionate mind. With this passion, I joined the community service club when I got into the university. I went to the community service center with the name translated as "Call of Life" in English and taught some elementary school students. At first, I had hard time drawing attention from them but as time went by I could make them concentrate on studies. When I initially met those students, I felt sorry about their situation that they were not wealthy enough to get good education. But after I got familiar with them I started to see them as good brothers and sisters, not the children that I should feel pity about. Passion that I shared with students moved into donation. One day, Korean actor named "InPyo Cha" visited my church and explained donation program called "Compassion". It's a program that helps poor children and there are two ways to assist. One is donating some money every month to the foundation. The other is making connection with one child and giving a hand to this child until he or she graduates from high school. I was moved by this program and I decided to donate. Since them I have sent money to poor kids. I feel happy that I can assist somebody else who really need my help. I won't lose this passion and will deliver compassion wherever that I can reach.
Peer Feedback Sheet
ReplyDeleteTo YoungHoon From HaKyung
What I like about this piece of writing is you have a title which kind of rhymes : passion and compassion. I also liked that you could describe yourself in a word.
Your main point seems to be that you are a compassionate person and you are able to feel sympathy with other people.
These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
Among them, I'd like to tell you about 3 examples that show that I'm sympathetic.
I like them because
I could expect what will come next and I could imagine the big structure of your paragraph.
The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to make your examples clear. It’s not that your examples aren’t clear in its content, but the divisions between the examples aren’t quite clear. In the beginning you mentioned that there will be three examples, but I read the paragraph once again to make sure which of them made it three.
Peer feedback from Kyoungmin,Kim
ReplyDeleteI think the main point of this writing is the writer's motive of his actions come from sympathizing with others.
What I like about this writing is that the title, the topic sentence, and the concluding senctence has coherence with one controlling idea, the writer's 'passion from compassion'.
I found one error and that's 'since them'. Maybe you meant 'since then'?
To suggest a change, I would prefer the examples to be marke 1,2,3, as you stated specificly there would be 3 examples in your writing.
And I think it would be better to erase the sentence "I'm not saying here that I'm such a nice person who feels sorry for poor people.".
When I think of the word that describes me the best, I come to realize that the vocabulary “compassion” fits me well. Through various experiences and activities, I think I’m compassionate person. Among them, I’d like to tell you about 3 examples that show that I’m sympathetic. First of all, I went to Cambodia for sightseeing when I was middle school student. I was overwhelmed by huge and elaborate monuments there but it was not the scene that I can still remember by heart vividly. I was totally shocked when I saw dozens of children begging for money. Since I was grown up in the quite wealthy country, it was the first time to see that many little beggars. At that night, I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time and firmly decided to help poor children whenever I can. I think it was kind of passion that came from compassionate mind. Secondly, with this passion, I joined the community service club when I got into the university. I went to the community service center with the name translated as “Call of Life” in English and taught some elementary school students. At first, I had hard time drawing attention from them but as time went by I could make them concentrate on studies. When I initially met those students, I felt sorry about their situation that they were not wealthy enough to get good education. But after I got familiar with them I started to see them as good brothers and sisters, not the children that I should feel pity about. Last but not least, passion that I shared with students moved into donation. One day, Korean actor named “InPyo Cha” visited my church and explained donation program called “Compassion”. It’s a program that helps poor children and there are two ways to assist. One is donating some money every month to the foundation. The other is making connection with one child and giving a hand to this child until he or she graduates from high school. I was moved by this program and I decided to donate. Since then, I have sent money to poor kids. I feel happy that I can assist somebody else who really need my help. I won’t lose this passion and will deliver compassion wherever that I can reach.
ReplyDelete